Empty and full // This is a marathon, not a sprint

Today I feel both empty and full. I am meeting my amazing girlfriends in an hour for dinner and drinks (can I just mention how incredible it feels to have a group of girlfriends who I see regularly? This is a very new thing and I LOVE it!). I’ve just got home from a lovely afternoon out in Brighton. I’ve got the headphones I was given for Christmas on (they are incredible!), and all I really want to do is dance. I am dancing in my chair as I write this. I can announce that I’m taking the weekend off, I keep thinking. I’ve got nothing profound or meaningful to say today. Well, actually, I do [ha! So humble] but what I want to say needs time, care and consideration to express.

But I made a commitment. Five hundred words per day for the rest of January. I said on day one that some of what I write might be boring or bad. This is an inescapable part of the creative journey. Lots of writers talk about the perils of only showing up to the page when we ‘feel like it’. So here I am today, feeling both empty and full.

I am empty because I have shared a lot this week.

I am full of tributaries of feeling and thought, none of which I have time to explore fully right now.

I am empty in the sense that I don’t have one clear, bright idea to write about today.

I am full of all that this day has held – early morning tears, connection with two of my absolute favourite people on the planet (so sweet it makes my heart want to explode), gorgeous texts with my girlfriends, delightful and unexpected interactions with strangers out and about in Brighton, the band I watched busk for 45 minutes and the hundred or so people bopping along to their truly excellent music, the messages so many of you have left on this blog and social media, the gratitude I feel that people are reading, the beats and lyrics from all the songs I’ve been listening to, the pulsating aliveness of the dreams I am carrying deep in my belly and bones, dreams which feel like they’re being fed and watered today.

I am empty and full, and here I am, showing up to the practice.

And once again, something out of nothing appears.

Some days, the right choice (and I mean right in the sense of what feels good – shout out to YouTube yoga teacher Adriene for the constant reminder to find what feels good) would be to rest and let things be. To follow the flow and trust when not much is present.

But for me, today, the right choice is to override all the head noise about how pointless this is, and how this piece is going to put people off, and to just go ahead and get those 500 words written and out into the world.

Because right now, it’s about the practice. Yes to gentleness and not forcing or pushing – but truly, once I sat at my laptop, this all just flowed out of me. I’m in the business of getting unblocked here, and today is as vital a part of my process as every other day.

This is a marathon, not a sprint. And some days, some miles, we feel empty and full in quick succession, and, knowing that this is a marathon, we put one foot in front of the other ­regardless of how clumsy it looks to the outside world. And right now, I’m feeling that strange, wonderful feeling once again: being proud of myself. Because today, HERE I AM.