It's Time
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash
I’m writing this because I’m restless, and because I know it is the only thing I can do right now to ease the restlessness. I need to turn these words from thought into commitment, and writing it here is an act of committing to myself.
It is time. I’ve had so much brewing away within me, for so long, and it’s time to begin letting it out. A lot has happened in 2023, and as the year swiftly draws to a close, and we in the northern hemisphere are ensconced in darkness, I can feel the stirrings of the next chapter, waiting for me to open the door.
My familiar companions are there too. Let’s call them “What’s The Point Polly” and “You’re Irrelevant Imelda.” Polly and Imelda have been with me for decades, and the older I get, the more confident they become in their convictions. They’re full of helpful commentary, like: “Not only has everything been said already, but everyone is now so busy, and with such short attentions spans, that it really is truly pointless.” Thanks for that helpful contribution, Polly. Imelda then pipes up, putting the nail in the coffin. “Yeah, and look at your ‘engagement’ stats on social media. They’re so crap that you can’t really even justify using that word. No one is engaged in what you say. You’re not that smart, you lose people, you lack conviction and you’re surrounded by people with bigger networks, more gravitas and more people wanting to listen to them than you’ll ever have. You really aren’t ever going to make it, so why bother? What’s even the point of writing this? After all, no one is going to read it. You. Are. Irrelevant.”
I have felt so convinced by these parts of myself that at times, including recently, I have felt so low that I’ve truly felt the world would be no different if I weren’t in it. The only people I’ve had a really deep sense of mattering to have been Nick, S, and my sisters. Everyone else, every friend, family member, colleague, and person I’ve met, I’ve truly believed to be essentially inconsequential to, someone that would be temporarily missed but quickly forgotten. It is the strength of the bonds with my partner, stepdaughter and sisters that prevents me from going down an even darker path mentally, but I’d be lying if I said everything was great. Changes and losses in many relationships over the years have touched places where I’m deeply wounded, and it’s hard to ‘pull myself’ out of that. The ‘suspicions about myself’, to adapt a term I was taught two decades ago, have a very strong foothold sometimes.
I think some of this has to do with a bit of an identity crisis. Sometimes I wonder if I’m really in this world at all, if the person who I really am has actually spent much time interacting with the world around me. I think I mask and mimic a lot of the time. It’s as if I found some ways to be vaguely successful, to pass as a coach, consultant, friend, and person, and I pull those operating behaviours out the way we all pull clothes out of our wardrobes. This feels very indulgent to write because I know so many people are struggling in much more painful and genuine ways, but it would be a lie to say that believing yourself to be irrelevant doesn’t hurt. Perhaps I could do with rewatching It’s A Wonderful Life - it’s the right time of year to watch it.
Anyway, coming back to my opening statement rather than getting lost in the quagmire of self-talk, I know, somewhere deep inside of me, that if I continue to listen to Polly and Imelda and all the other critical parts of me, they will only lead me further into powerlessness and paralysis. That there is only one way out, and that way out is through.
It’s time for me to listen more to the callings that are showing up within me. These callings come from a very deep place. They’re spurred on by a hunger to contribute, a thirst for understanding, and a deep desire to be able to look back on my life and say that I gave it my all. I feel that I have been building something over the past few years, perhaps just the foundations in fact, and that now it is time to nurture a different part of me as I continue to build. I have no need to abandon what I am doing and who I’m doing it with and start afresh. But I need to create space for the body of work that is asking me to create it.
As I currently understand it, this body of work involves:
Research on the role of listening in leadership, with a view to sharing that research with leaders in support of their evolution and growth, which in turn is in support of the healing of the planet
Continuing to make space for conversations that matter
Writing, publishing and sharing my work
Bringing movement and music back into my life in a more regular way, and creating spaces where leaders reconnect to their bodies, explore movement, and move towards their own liberation
Female joy: understanding it, cultivating it in myself, and supporting its cultivation in others. I believe that female joy is radical, counter-cultural and vital if we are going to alter the course that we’re currently on and the outcomes we’re hurtling towards.
If you have read this far, thank you. Any single person who reads is a reminder to me that “What’s the Point Polly” and “You are Irrelevant Imelda” are not the all knowing purveyors of truth. It provides me some evidence that these parts of me are just that – parts. They’re not who I am, they aren’t true, and they do not run the show. It reminds me of what I know, that there is a very real point to each of us being here, and that it’s never too late to become who and what we here to be.
I am very curious to know if anything I’ve written about here has resonance for anyone else. These days it so often feels like I’m talking into the void, yet there are billions of us on this planet. I can’t be the only one. So if you too are struggling with finding the point, feeling that there is or could be a point, or doubting whether your voice matters, please know that I’m right beside you, finding my own way through a version of that.
Thank you. More on this, soon.