We're never there
I am in the middle of a 21 day abundance meditation challenge. As I wrote about previously, I have been feeling pretty resistant to and repelled by a lot of self-development stuff for a while, but when this came along, something stopped me from leaving the WhatsApp group (British politeness and not wanting to offend the group admin, perhaps!). Whatever the reason – an aversion to potentially upsetting my friend, or a deeper subconscious pull to do the work and get stuck in – I started the meditations and here I am on the 9th day.
Today’s task was to write down five things that you feel are currently limiting you, from a place of compassion and awareness. My list is simple and I’m happy to share it with you:
My work wardrobe. It doesn’t express what I want it to. I’ve just bought Lizzie Edwards’ book, Look Like the Leader You Are – not a book I ever thought I’d be reading, but hey ho! I used to know Lizzie and think if anyone can help me figure this out, it’s her.
The inconsistency with which I’m practising yoga. When stretching and being on the mat isn’t in my life regularly, I live in a very tight, stiff body. I recently read that this is a characteristic of CPTSD (Complex PTSD) and thought that was fascinating. I spent 30 minutes on the mat this evening, and feel better already.
My car – both the actual car and the way I (don’t) look after it. I’ve had my little car for six years and I’ve loved it. It’s served me so well. But – and this is something I battle with mentally a lot – it doesn’t feel like the kind of car a successful woman drives. I am judging myself for this thought, because it feels quite shallow, but it really does feel like someone in their early twenties would drive, and I’m 36, and although it’s a fab little car and super cheap to run, it just sort of feels like I’ve outgrown it.. I feel a measure of shame for wanting nice things, torn between two conflicting sets of values. I learned when I did my multi-generational family study that something my family system values is how others perceive us. I’ve spent my life kicking back against that, often not buying nice things for myself even though I really like and appreciate them. But as I’ve said many times, I’m trying to write what feels true, and this is what feels true. I am so grateful to have a car, and I feel like it’s time for a change.
Not tracking my outgoings. I’ve been doing money work off and on for years, and I’ve gotten really really good at tracking everything that comes in. I’ve watched with pride as, over the last 12 months, I’ve almost tripled my income from two years ago, and doubled it from last year. But I really don’t keep track of what I spend. I am good at putting money straight into savings, but when it comes to tax return time, I have to trawl back through a year’s worth of expenses, which is very stressful. In my personal life it also means I have little clarity on what I am spending where.
Having fallen out of the writing habit. Hence being here right now, writing.
As I completed this exercise, I had the following thought, which became the title of this piece.
We’re never there.
Life is never ‘finished’. It just keeps rolling on, presenting the next moment, the next challenge, the next chore, the next conversation. There is a huge amount of repetition in even the most glamorous of lives, and regardless of who we are, the experience of having ‘arrived’ never lasts. It’s not supposed to. That’s not what life is for.
This thought struck me hard because I am in a place in my life that a year ago, I could only dream of. On November 30th, I moved into a flat where I live by myself and it’s the most incredible home I have ever lived in. I’m working with organisations that are household names and frequently pinch myself that my career is where it is. My personal life over the last year and a bit has made my heart happier than I thought it was possible to be. I have a huge amount of autonomy and freedom over how I spend my time. I have amazing people in my life.
And… when I reflected on what is limiting me, the above things came up. This is the nature of life: it just keeps rolling forward. The five things I wrote above are ‘first world problems,’ for sure, but they are also the things that a moment of self-inquiry presented to me to address – the next signals from me, to me, about what I need to do to move my life forward.
We never get to the peak of the mountain, or, if we do, it’s just another temporary pit stop on our journey from the cradle to the grave. Get to the bottom of your to-do list and there’ll be a fresh new list waiting for you the next day or week. Tick all your major goals off your list, or have the best year of your life, and guess what – the next set of goals will be waiting for you to claim them and work towards them, the next year will roll around, waiting for you to greet it.
This is the nature of life.
We can respond to this from a place of weariness, or we can try to greet it with acceptance, openness and the knowingness that this crazy trip will only really be done when we are dead.
I am grateful that some of the challenges I’m facing and the areas where I’m feeling limited are different to past challenges. That tells me that life has moved on.
A couple of the areas where I feel limited are more familiar and have been an ongoing theme for most of my adult life, but the way I see it, it’s like a spiral, and this time, I’m further up the spiral staircase – the stairs that lead to nowhere except the next moment, the next season, the next repetition.
I think a lot of what life is about has to do with momentum and de-stagnation. I truly believe our lives are meant to flow. Life is movement and momentum, embodied.
So instead of getting exhausted about the next round of things I have to address, today I feel okay with it. It doesn’t feel joyful, exactly, but it doesn’t feel like a burden either. It’s just life. We’re never there, and that’s okay.
I’m interested in living the kind of life where I enjoy both the journey and all the pit-stop destinations along the way. I’m going to do what I can to address those five areas (cue a big car clean!), and see what comes next, and perhaps, aside from death, that is the only thing that any of us can really be certain of – that there will always be another thing. It’s just life’s way.
What about you? What currently feels limiting to you? How is your life communicating to you? How have you expanded and grown? What have you grown out of? And what is now calling your name? I’d love to hear.
(Photo by Joe Gardner on Unsplash. Thank you, Joe.)