Why I'm not running a marathon

The essence of today’s post is this: I’m not running the Brighton marathon in April because I don’t bloody want to. The end. That’s the short version. Here’s the slightly longer full story…

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Last April I found myself on the seafront one morning cheering on hundreds of people as they ran the Brighton Marathon. The atmosphere was so uplifting: people were clapping, cheering and encouraging the runners; music blared from speakers set up outside a seafront hotel; the sun was out and there were lots of smiles to be seen. A little girl and her dad stood behind me and I gave them my spot so they could see mummy run past; another mummy in a “10k” t-shirt explained to her two children, “These people are running a really long way! You saw me running earlier for one hour – these people are going to be running for more than four!” I was buzzing. People of every shape and size were out, and I was reminded of how genuinely inspiring we human beings can be sometimes and how marathon running can be for everybody.

A few days later, spaces opened for the 2020 marathon. I signed up! My mum had run three when I was a kid and I’ve always wanted to follow in her footsteps. I could envision it: the long training runs in the dark from November to March, the early mornings and evenings dedicated to pounding the pavements. I knew that all I needed to do to make this happen was to decide to show up, over and over again.

But I didn’t.

Summer was wonderful. I think I ran two or three times. Life was full, and I spent my time doing other things that were more important to me. One of my best friends also signed up, and a seasoned marathon runner told her that the best thing you can do is just to get lots of 5k runs “in your legs.”

But I didn’t.

Autumn approached and I went for one, maybe two runs. They were hard; I was out of the running habit. It weighed on my mind a lot. I’m being really lazy, I would think. I’m not disciplined enough. I’m not committed. It must mean that I just can’t be bothered. This version of events played on repeat in my head, heavy and negative. I was in limbo. The days crept past, and still, no running. I wrote on Facebook again, “Is six months long enough to train for a marathon from scratch?” and got back an affirmative “Yes!”

But still, I didn’t run.

***

One day in Autumn, whilst putting a slide deck together for some client work, I decided to use the marathon (or the not-marathon, as it was turning out to be) as an example in an exercise that explores why we don’t make certain lifestyle changes.

The exercise is fabulous. It’s called The Immunity to Change map, from the book Immunity to Change by Robert Kegan and Lisa Laskow. In it, you explore what you say you want to achieve, and what you’re actually committed to instead.

Here’s what I discovered:

Yes, I was a bit lazy. I was more committed to being warm and cosy than to pushing myself and being uncomfortable three to four times a week.

But that wasn’t the whole story.

I was also committed to saving my very limited energy in autumn and winter to look for, move into and furnish a new home (something I have done! It was worth every ounce of energy).

I was committed to seeing my boyfriend and my friends as much as I normally do. I really didn’t want to sacrifice time with the people I love.

I was committed to getting lots of sleep, to reading, to having down time, to my life feeling pretty spacious, and I didn’t want to adjust my lifestyle.

In short, I discovered that there was more going on here than just being lazy! I didn’t want to train for a marathon because there were a multitude of more important things that I wanted to spend my time on instead.

I didn’t want to do it.

I still don’t!

And I found that unhooking from the shoulds was liberating. Finding instead the clear, resonant voice of what I want and don’t want was powerful.

I realised that if I didn’t want to run the marathon, I could decide not to. So simple, yet so bloody profound. I spent a few days declaring to my nearest and dearest, “I’m not doing the marathon because I don’t want to!” It felt like unburdening myself from a project I didn’t want to do that aligned with a value system that I don’t currently have.

But it wasn’t just about not wanting to run. It was also that other things had become more important to me.

So I’m not bloody doing it. I’m NOT running the marathon in April! Instead, I have transferred my spot to the 10k run the day before – the same one that mummy I saw was telling her children about. I will try to run it in under an hour and I’ll be bloody proud of whatever time I do.

And guess what? This week, I’ve gone for two runs. Funny how things work sometimes, isn’t it?

(Image credit: Fitsum Admasu via Unsplash.)