Goodbye 38, hello 39
It’s the eve of my 39th birthday. Last year, I wrote a post as I said goodbye to 37 and hello to 38, and this year I want to do the same again, even though I’m not quite sure what to say.
It’s been a big twelve months. I know, I say that every year, but it’s always true! Perhaps what I’ll do is capture some of the moments, steps, challenges, shifts and changes before they’re lost to the sands of time. Perhaps, in 40 years, this blog will still be going in some strange futuristic form, the words translated into beeps or holographic symbols, and I’ll be able to look back and remember 2021-22.
So, in no particular order, here are 38 moments that stand out from the last year…
Seeing Little Simz at the Brighton Dome. Possibly the most electrifying gig I’ve ever been to. I was blown away from start to finish. Other highlights on the gig front include Skunk Anansie, RuPaul’s Werq The World tour, Midlake @Chalk, Frazey Ford with Lian at Union Chapel, Tim Minchin with Hannah and Rosh @The Brighton Centre, The Chemical Brothers @Latitude, The Choir with No Name at Christmas, Simon Amstell at the Dome (comedy rather than music, but so good) and Grace Petrie who supported Hannah Gadsby at the Dome in Brighton. I’m so grateful to be able to see live music again.
Travelling more… Going away for Hannah’s birthday was significant for lots of reasons for me (me + groups have historically always induced a lot of anxiety and a sense that I don’t matter, and this trip helped me to correct some of those deep beliefs because I have such fab friends), and the spa was just gorgeous.
Athens with Hannah and Rosh for Rosh’s birthday – the Olympic stadium was just incredible).
Porto with Nick – what a city. More Portugal, please! I loved every aspect of it. Stand outs include the best meal of my life, the bridge, and adventuring with Nick is one of the things I love most about our relationship.
Naples with Nick. The pizza, the chaos, the catacombs, the utter contradiction in this city. I get a lot of guilt about the carbon footprint side of things when taking planes, but it lights me up to travel, so I think I’ll be doing more of it.
Taking my stepdaughter S to her first ever festival with Nick, and hanging out with our good friend Graham, his son, and Chaz. She was incredibly brave on the massive climbing obstacle course. Made me cry with awe and pride.
Going to Camp Wildfire and facing my fears on the flying trapeze, which was terrifying and frustrating in equal measure. I never thought of myself as someone who had vertigo, but it was genuinely one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. The rest of the weekend was excellent, too, particularly the improv and the cyanotype classes.
Spending some of Christmas Day with S, and some of her birthday too. Just so special, and I feel very grateful for where we are as a family. I love her with my whole heart, and feel like we (her dad, mum and I) are doing such a brilliant job of supporting her as she grows and develops, including through some challenging seasons.
Getting closer to my sisters. It’s been a big year on the family front, and in places it’s been indescribably stressful and traumatic. The silver lining has been building a relationship with the sister I didn’t have much of a relationship with for so many years, and deepening my bond with my other sister. Resilient Unicorns forever.
Raving at The Warehouse Project with Nick and Graham last September. One of the best nights of my life, if not the best. Just so, so good. I hope I always remember the feeling of knowing that sometimes connection happens between people, and sometimes it doesn’t, and it’s never personal. It’s just the way of things. I also had a really strong sense of connection to my core, and the Elloa I felt come forth that evening is a great person who I’m proud to be. Plus the music was amazing. DJ Shadow in particular - Come to light, come to light, come to light / All the leaves are golden, in the dawn.
Friends. I am lucky to have the most incredible friends. Nick, Hannah, Rosh, Liz, Lian, Graham, Gvantsa, Lucy, Katie, Gemma, Helene, Kitty, Roseella, Neusha, Johnny, Bianca, Arianne, and Cat - I feel very, very lucky to know you all.
My career feeling great. Showing up, supporting people, holding space for conversations about resilience and self care, leadership and uncertainty, teams and the impact of our childhoods on who we are as adults. There have been so many amazing moments in the last year - tears, laughter, sensing who I am and the impact I have when I’m at my best. Plus I work with the best colleagues (Han, Natalie, Aron, Sophie, Andy and Bryony, I’m looking at you!) and have had frequent pinch me moments in the last twelve months. Long may it continue.
Closely related to this, finally setting up a limited company. It’s been a long time coming, and it feels like it’s happened at the perfect time. In the last three months I’ve earned more than double what I used to earn in a year. Money beliefs often run extremely deep, and I’ve been self-employed for a long time now, and therefore as uncertain as the future continues to be, it’s felt very powerful being able to do something I love and be well compensated for it, whilst also genuinely feeling that the work I do is good for the world and people in it. It’s one of those pinch me parts of my life these days, and I’m so grateful to all the people who helped me get to this place.
Hosting meals and drinks and hangouts in my home. I am often stressed by the amount of work and effort it takes to keep the home clean and tidy, but it’s also so wonderful to have a nice space for people to come round to.
Climbing. It was an off and on year with it because I had a bad shoulder injury that meant I couldn’t climb for about 9 months, but I still love it and think it will stay in my life.
Training for and running the half marathon. I am SO PROUD of myself for doing this, for finishing something I started and proving to myself that I can set a goal and commit to it. Plus, I did it in a really respectable time, surprising myself and giving me something to aim for next year - a sub-2 hour time. Watch this space.
Molly Moo. She continues to be bloody brilliant. I love her so much and sing songs about her all day long. She’s eleven now, so she’s starting to get on a bit and I often think about the grief I’m going to feel when she dies, but I know all I can do is try to enjoy her while she’s here and be the best guardian to her that I can be.
Dealing with big, very unsettling family stuff. A family member was very ill earlier this year and it really knocked my world for six. There were many sleepless nights, days where I could barely eat, a constant sense of anxiety and trauma. But I was struck by my resilience, and those of my family members, and even though the situation is far from resolved (and possibly never will be), I also can’t erase it from my year. I saw things and went through things in this situation that most people will never be able to relate to, and one day maybe I’ll write or speak about them. Today, it’s enough to simply acknowledge that it’s been really bloody hard. Nick, as always, thank you for your support because I know it impacted you too, and continues to.
My sister’s wedding. Watching my little sister, who’s four years younger than me, get married, was one of the most beautiful experiences of my whole year. I was so gutted I had Covid for their engagement drinks, but being there on the day was so special.
Wales! I forgot to mention that trip earlier. Gosh, that was an epic adventure. I loved climbing Pen y Fan and the rest of the peaks we did that day. It was just breathtaking.
Taking my sisters and their fiances out for dinner in London with Nick to celebrate my littlest sister’s engagement. Again, such a special occasion.
Taking S to the Science Museum with Nick’s family last summer, while he was at work for the day. It was a big adventure and I loved spending that time with her.
Going out for a Christmas meal with my sisters and our three fellas. Oh, how we laughed! I did cry all the way home on the train, though… oops.
Making the home feel Christmassy - especially my bauble fireplace, which took hours and resulted in a few broken decorations.
Having Dad and Helen round for dinner, and having my bio dad and sister Edie down for lunch.
Palma for my sister Rosie’s hen do. It was basically the Hangover Part IV and unlike any holiday I would have ever taken otherwise. Unforgettable.
Seeing Yayoi Kusuma’s Infinity Mirror Rooms at the Tate Modern.
Going to the opening of my stepmum Nicola Hicks’ Dump Circus at the Flowers Gallery. Such a powerful show.
The Chiltern’s for Lucy’s birthday. Loads of laughter that weekend and a bloody great walk.
Going to S’s school for Grown Ups afternoon. So special and meaningful to see her there and to see how proud she was to show us everything she’s learnt.
Developing my sense of style (humble, ha). They say you get much more unapologetic the older you get, and I’m finding that to be true. I have invested in clothes I really love, have had my nails done a few times, and have had haircuts with only a few weeks of absolutely hating my hair before I book an appointment. Progress, especially given the level of self-hate I’ve come from.
Taking S to see a play at Sussex Uni. I love theatre so much - although Nick described it as “live content,” which was truly horrifying – and it was a joy to see her mouth wide open in awe at the ‘content’ unfolding on the stage in front of her.
Seeing S be so brave, funny and creative, over and over again. She is such a magical child. Have i mentioned that I adore her?!
Having a lovely impromptu photo shoot with Molly in St Anns Well Gardens. I’m grateful to my ex husband for working so hard to stay in an amicable friendship with me, four years after we broke up. I’m grateful for every single image he’s captured of Molly.
Getting to know Nick’s family more and being part of their family secret Santa for the first time - slightly nerve-wracking! It’s been lovely to get to know them more.
Having dinner with Nick’s bio mum and half-sister in Brighton, and spending time with them in Wales. Beautiful memories.
The Angel Comedy club for Nick’s birthday, plus all the comedy we’ve watched from the comfort of our sofa.
Quitting therapy with a new therapist who kept reflecting to me that I sound like her clients with Autism. It sent me into a huge tailspin at the time, not because there’s anything wrong with being on the spectrum, but because I went into therapy to work on some really deeply heavy stuff, memories of trauma that had surfaced and which were extremely disturbing, and speaking up to this therapist and saying how angry and disappointed I felt was a very powerful step for me.
Oh look, I’m at 39 items already. There have also been great naps, some excellent TV shows (Severance, Ted Lasso and WeCrashed, anyone? – also, I finally caved and watched Game of Thrones and it was brilliant), a million cups of tea, hours and hours on my phone, about four times I’ve been on the yoga mat, and loads of moments with friends and loved ones I haven’t mentioned.
Finally, I’m also so grateful for the release of constant anxiety that plagued me when I was 37 about whether I wanted to become a mother or not. I’m not ready to share more about this, and who knows what the future holds, but I’m really grateful to be in a good place in my life and to feel like I can trust myself.
Now, at the risk of going on a bit, here’s some of what I want to call in and welcome in the next year…
More creativity. More writing, some improv, more singing, more dancing, more painting and more self-expression, dahling.
More travel. We have Lanzarote booked in for September, woo, and a couple of trips to Dorset. One of the things i’ve felt is how short life is – I’m nearly 40 after all – and I’d like to see more of the world before my time is up.
More yoga and movement. The running and climbing have been great, but I’m also often achey and I know I’m not using my body to her full potential.
More speaking up. The world is in a very troubling place and I want to do more to make space for the voices and issues that deserve to be heard.
Stepping into my power, using my voice, holding clear boundaries and continuing to let go of playing small and holding back. Maybe this year I will finally start that podcast…
More memories made with Nick and his daughter. They’re both so important to me and I’m so aware of how fast time passes.
So that’s it. This is a piece of writing that will barely matter to anyone but me, which is often reason enough for me not to bother writing it. But now that I have, I am glad that I did.
(Photo by Brooke Lark on Unsplash. Thank you Brooke)